


Surrogate

by Pinkninja



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4191744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinkninja/pseuds/Pinkninja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Who was that pointy-eared bastard?' McCoy asked.<br/>'He's not a bastard.' Jim said sharply, glaring at the Vulcan as he moved off. 'He's my brother.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

‘Is there anything you care to say before we begin?’

Jim leant forward into the amplifier, a smirk beginning to form on his lips.

‘Yes, I believe I have the right to face my accuser directly.’

Jim had been waiting for this moment for seven years. He didn’t need to turn like the rest of the audience to know the figure behind him stood. He could feel the weighted gaze on the back of his neck.

Spock made his way down to the second podium, his eyes never leaving the cadet.

‘This is Commander Spock. He is one of our most distinguished graduates.’

Jim snorted to himself. ‘Yeah, I bet he is.’

The Admiral continued as if he hadn’t heard Jim’s comment. ‘He’s programmed the Kobayashi Maru exam for the last three years.’

‘Three years? That’s a very… convenient amount of time.’ Jim remarked. He turned his head to watch the Vulcan out of the corner of his eye. ‘The exact time I’ve been at Starfleet Academy, in fact.’

‘Your point being, Cadet?’ the Board member asked dryly.

Jim shrugged. ‘I’m just pointing out the coincidental timeframe of the matter.’ He leant heavily on the podium and glared at Spock. ‘I believe you had some charges you wished to bring against me, _Commander_.’

McCoy watched as Jim drew out the word like an insult. His brow furrowed deeply. Why was his friend being so damn insubordinate, in front of the entire student and teacher body, no less? Jim was usually reckless, but he prized his academic success above all else. He would never compromise his performance at Starfleet, not without very good reason.

‘ _Cadet_ Kirk.’ Spock began tersely. ‘You somehow managed to install and activate a subroutine in the programming code, thereby changing the conditions of the test.’

Jim grinned nonchalantly. ‘So?’

The Admiral sighed impatiently. ‘In academic vernacular, you cheated.’

‘Mister Spock, let me ask you something, I think we all know the answer to. The test itself is a cheat, isn’t it? You programmed it to be unwinnable.’ Jim watched carefully as the Vulcan cocked his head.

‘Your argument precludes the possibility of a no-win scenario.’ Spock answered evenly.

‘I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.’ Jim answered shortly. ‘But... you already knew that, didn’t you?’

Spock gave him a split second of silence and Jim continued confidently.

‘This, combined with the fact that you appear to have designed it purely against my own tactics implies a certain amount of, how you say, disadvantage on my part. Manipulating the program was simply a way of evening the playing field.’

Spock’s nostrils flared almost imperceptivity. ‘Then not only did you violate the rules, you also failed to understand the principal lesson.’

Jim beamed. ‘Please, enlighten me. You do love doing that.’

‘You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk,’ Spock began, a hard edge to his voice, ‘a captain cannot cheat death.’

Jim recoiled, rage boiling under the surface. ‘I of all people…’

‘Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action.’ Spock stated.

‘Don’t you dare.’ Jim’s lips curled up as he glared at Spock. ‘Don’t you dare bring _my_ dad into this. Not after everything.’

Spock seemed unperturbed by Jim’s hostility. ‘If I designed the program to be specifically against you, as you have implied, why not call the test the Kelvin, and include an anomaly and a Romulan ship?’

Jim started forward. ‘You son of a-’

‘I would advise you to be wary of your actions, Jim.’ Spock spoke, as the Admiral ordered Jim back to his podium.

Begrudgingly, Jim obliged. ‘See, I just think you’re pissed because I beat your test…’

‘Furthermore, you have failed to divine the purpose of the test.’ Spock continued.

‘Enlighten me again.’

‘The purpose is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death,’ Spock’s gaze was unwavering and unnerving to most people. Jim was not most people, ‘to accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one’s crew. This is the quality expected in every Starfleet captain. If you are unable to acknowledge the dangers of space travel, perhaps it is in your best interests to choose another occupation.’

‘You don’t get to tell me what to do. Not anym-’ Jim abruptly cut himself off and hung his head in contemplation.

There was a moment of dead silence in the auditorium. McCoy stilled in his seat as his friend began to formulate his response.

‘It’s curious, isn’t it?’ Jim began, his voice cold. ‘That a Vulcan like you would even know what emotions are.’

‘You are perfectly aware-’

‘Why do you get to dictate other’s emotions? I mean, how do you even know what fear is, Spock?’ There is a challenge in Jim’s voice that obviously hits something deep in the Commander. ‘When have you ever really been scared? Fear of abandonment, loneliness… how the hell do you even know how to feel?’

Spock’s dark eyes were entirely focused on Jim, but he seemed to have no intent to answer.

Another commander entered the auditorium and handed the Admiral a PADD. He quickly scanned the contents before turning to the audience. Spock’s attentions obediently sent to his superior officer.

‘We’ve received a distress call from Vulcan.’ He announced.

‘What?’ Jim exclaimed. He threw a sharp glance over at Spock. The alien’s eyes were fixed on the Admiral.

‘With our primary fleet engaged in the Laurentian system, I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger One immediately. Dismissed.’

In the flurry of movement that followed, Spock held Jim’s gaze for a moment longer than he probably should have before he inclined his head in a somewhat helpless way. With that, he swiftly exited.

McCoy walked down to his friend, still standing at the podium in a sort of helpless shock.

‘Who was that pointy-eared bastard?’ McCoy asked, some admiration evidently creeping into his tone.

‘He’s not a bastard.’ Jim said sharply, glaring at the Vulcan carefully as he moved off. ‘He’s my brother.’


	2. Chapter 2

_Spock knelt on his father’s meditation mat, his knees pressed together and sitting on his heels. He pressed a small hand to his chest, feeling the breath go in and out. They were just beginning to teach the logistics of meditation at school._

_Deep breaths slowed down his heart rate, regulated heartbeats influenced his thought process._

_‘Spock!’_

_With hard learnt patience, Spock opened his eyes. Jim dropped onto the mat in front of him, crossing his legs and grinning._

_‘Jim.’_

_‘I want to learn something.’ Jim said eagerly, air whistling through the gap from his missing teeth._

_Spock gave one look at the softly lit, quiet area before deciding that meditation could wait. Jim noticed the shift in his expression and bounced excitedly._

_‘I want you to teach me how to click, you know, with my fingers.’ He declared._

_‘For what purpose?’ Spock asked._

_‘I got it all figured out.’ Jim had a habit of gesturing wildly as he spoke, and at this proximity, Spock had to flinch backwards to avoid being hit. ‘No one else at school clicks, right? So if we can both click, it’ll be like, our own secret language!’_

_‘How diverse can our clicks be?’ Spock pointed out._

_‘I’ll figure out the rest later.’ Jim waved a hand dismissively. ‘C’mon. Show me.’_

_‘Watch.’ Spock said. He reached out between them and demonstrated._

_SNAP_

* * *

 

 

‘He’s my brother.’

McCoy gave one look at his friend before he flicked him on the ear.

‘Ouch!’ Jim exclaimed, rubbing his earlobe. ‘What was that for?’

‘Because the last I checked, you didn’t have green blood.’ McCoy glared at him.

‘I don’t have time for this, Bones.’ Jim said shortly, moving off and being caught in the throng of students. McCoy grabbed his sleeve and pulled him to a stop.

‘You’ve got a hell of a lot of explaining to do.’ McCoy demanded. ‘What was that back there?’

Jim shrugged his arm free. ‘We’ve got to get to the Hanger, Bones. Vulcan is in trouble.’

‘Another thing, when did you start caring about Vulcan?’ McCoy added.

Something flashed briefly in Jim’s eyes, but he suppressed it quickly. Instead, he spread his arms and laughed.

‘You really think I spent my whole life in _Iowa_?’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ McCoy asked.

‘C’mon.’ Jim said quickly, glancing over his shoulder at the moving students. ‘K to M is this way.’

‘Jim!’ McCoy said harshly, but by then, they were already standing with the rest of the cadets, being assigned to their ships.

McCoy swore inwardly, standing at attention and throwing looks at Jim out of the corner of his eye.

‘He didn’t call my name.’ Jim muttered angrily. His hands were clenched by his sides and he was livid.

McCoy tried to look sympathetic. ‘You’re on suspension, Jim. They’re not gonna let you fly.’

Jim hardly looked like he heard him. His eyes were darting around the hanger and landed on a figure standing at a computer terminal a fair distance off.

His fist unclenched slowly and he pressed his thumb to his middle finger.

_SNAP_

Spock’s head jerked imperceptibly. He turned to find the origin of the noise and saw Jim staring at him from across the hanger. Jim lifted the hand and thumbed his opposite ear before drumming on his collar.

Spock’s hands clasped in front of him parted once, thumb tapping on the back of his hand. He turned around and walked off briskly, linking his hands behind his back.

McCoy watched in fascination at the interaction and Spock’s apparent dismissal. He was about to feel sorry for Jim when he noticed just how Spock was linking his hands. One hand clasped his wrist, while the other thumb and pointer touched, forming a loose “okay” gesture.

McCoy’s eyes widened and Jim tugged him to follow.

‘Come on.’

* * *

 

They cornered Spock beside one of the shuttles, far enough away from the doors that they weren’t overheard. Spock turned around and watched Jim carefully. The tension between them was palpable. Their backs were ramrod straight and McCoy stayed close in case a fight broke out.

‘I need to get on one of those ships.’ Jim said simply.

Spock looked at him with a hint of disbelief. ‘Your continual, blatant disregard for the rules occasionally has consequences.’

‘You’re the big shot, you can get me onboard.’ Jim said confidently, with just a little too much snark to be respectful. ‘If you think I’m not going to Vulcan, you’ve got another thing coming.’

‘And you expect me to believe this situation is non-negotiable?’ Spock queried. ‘I am a Commander now-’

‘And I’m not the one who ran away.’ Jim interrupted.

Spock pressed his lips together tightly.

‘You cut all ties with Vulcan.’ Spock reminded harshly. ‘You cut all ties with me.’

‘Spock.’ Jim said shortly, just as harsh. ‘If Vulcan is in trouble, Mom is too. I gotta help.’

Spock glared at him for a moment more before his gaze slid over Jim’s shoulder to McCoy.

‘You are Doctor McCoy, senior medical officer assigned to the _Enterprise_ _._ ’ Spock stated.

He nodded in reply.

‘Then I am confident in your thorough knowledge of the Starfleet Medical Code.’ Spock said simply, an implication evident in his voice.

‘Yes?’

Spock stepped backwards and McCoy swore he saw the beginnings of a smirk appearing on his lips.

‘This conversation never occurred.’ The Commander reminded them as he collected his PADD and began to walk to another shuttle.

‘The viral infection from Melvaran mud fleas has particularly brutal symptoms.’ Spock commented over his shoulder.

Jim frowned at Spock in total confusion. ‘What the hell was that about?’

McCoy grinned. ‘I like him.’ He decided. He grabbed Jim by the shoulder and pulled him towards the medical facility. ‘Come with me.’

‘Bones, where are we going?’ Jim asked.

‘You’ll see.’ McCoy waved him off.

Jim couldn’t help but turn when he noticed Uhura striding confidently towards Spock.

McCoy dragged him through the hanger to the med bay where he ordered Jim to take a seat.

McCoy loaded the hypospray with the vaccination. ‘You have a cruel, ingenious brother.’ He said, then muttered to himself, ‘or whatever.’

He turned to Jim.

‘You’re going to have a lot of explaining to do when this wears off.’ He promised.

‘What wears off?’ Jim asked.

McCoy jabbed the hypospray into his neck. ‘You owe me one.’

* * *

 

_After the twenty-third attempt from the older Vulcan students to elicit an emotional response from him, Spock retreated to his room to find some solace._

_That idea was rarely successful._

_Jim frowned at him over the top of his PADD. ‘You look pissed.’_

_Spock frowned slightly. He hadn’t realised Jim was sprawled on his bed. ‘Why are you in my room?’_

_Jim held up the two PADDs he had propped up against the pillow. One was paused on the screen of a vid, something from Earth’s media. The man and woman were very human, smiling broadly and, Spock blushed at the realisation, holding hands. The other PADD was slowly scrolling through ancient traditional artefacts found on Vulcan. From a very young age, Jim was encouraged to immerse himself in the culture of both worlds. As a result, Jim was developing a strange sense of homesickness for the planet he had never visited._

_‘Comparing culture.’ Jim said. He put the PADDs to the side and sat up, crossing his legs. ‘What’s up?’_

_‘Nothing.’ Spock pursed his lips. ‘I have the situation under control.’_

_‘It’s those kids from level seven, isn’t it?’ Jim asked, as perceptive as always._

_Spock’s head flicked up. ‘How did you know?’_

_Jim shrugged. ‘They’ve been approaching me, too.’_

_Spock hung his head. ‘Then I have been unsuccessful.’_

_‘How’dja mean?’ Jim asked, frowning._

_‘As your older brother, it is my responsibility to protect you.’ Spock said slowly. ‘I… had hoped that if I were to entertain their need for an emotional demonstration, that they would not… find a need to bother you.’_

_‘Hey, I’m the illogical bastard; all I have to do is throw them a smile and they start to get freaked.’ Jim leant forward and waved a hand in front of Spock’s face to get his attention. ‘They shouldn’t be bothering you at all, what have they been doing?’_

_‘They have insulted me in every way I can possibly imagine.’ Spock said quietly. ‘Now they have begun to insult my family, too.’ Spock raised his head, eyes unreadable. ‘I don’t like it when they insult you.’_

_Jim felt respect for his older brother swell in his heart. ‘They hit you yet?’_

_Spock’s head snapped to look at him. ‘Yet?’ He repeated._

Crap _Jim thought. He hadn’t meant to say that._

_‘Jim.’ Spock said slowly, every bit the protective big brother. ‘Have they hit you?’_

_Guiltily, Jim started wringing his hands. ‘In their defence, I did hit them first.’_

_‘Jim!’ Spock exclaimed._

_‘Spock!’ Jim shot back. ‘If someone hits you, you sure as hell better hit them back.’_

_‘Jim, that is a path of action that I would rather not take.’ Spock warned._

_Jim slid off the bed. He stood a little taller than Spock at the moment, a fact Jim never failed to remind his older brother. ‘Hit me.’_

_‘Jim.’ Spock sighed._

_‘Spock. Humour the human.’ He jerked his head, encouragingly. ‘Hit me.’_

_Reluctantly, and very slowly, Spock swung his arm. Jim grabbed it, pulled him into a hold then knocked him over, grabbing his shoulders and pinning him to the ground._

_‘Pinned ya.’_

_Spock looked up at him, half glaring, half impressed. ‘How did you do that?’_

_Jim clambered off him and offered a hand to pull him up. ‘I’ll teach you.’_

* * *

 

Spock examined the PADD held out for him by a cadet, tapping to reveal the rest of the numbers before nodding and heading for the turbo lift. The doors slid open smoothly and he entered his destination. The bridge.

Spock allowed himself a moment of thought for Jim Kirk, likely a stowaway somewhere in the medical bay. He inclined his head and mentally berated himself for not warning Jim against doing anything idiotic.

Although, he seriously doubted that anything he could say would dissuade him.

He entered the Bridge and greeted Captain Pike.

‘Mr. Spock.’

‘Captain. Engineering reports ready for launch.’

* * *

 

_‘I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor.’ Captain Pike told him. ‘I can’t believe who you are.’_

_‘Who am I, Captain Pike?’ Jim asked rubbing at his bloodied nose._

_‘Your father’s son.’_

_‘And which father would that be?’ Jim challenged._

_Pike’s expression shifted momentarily, unable to decide on the correct answer. ‘Your aptitude tests are off the charts, you were educated to a level that puts most universities to shame. You could do anything. So what is it? You like being the only genius repeat offender in the Midwest?’_

_‘I love it.’ Jim said with brutal honestly. He smiled and leant back in his chair, spreading his arms and shrugging. ‘Maybe I’m just getting in touch with my roots.’_

_Pike frowned. ‘This may be where George and Winnona Kirk grew up, but Iowa wasn’t their lives. Starfleet was. They were a pair of the brightest officers the Academy ever had the opportunity to teach.’ He gestured to the blood that had dripped onto Jim’s shirt. ‘You know, that instinct to leap without looking was in George’s nature too.’_

_Jim grinned, his head rolling to the side. ‘And no amount of Vulcan lobotomy overpowers a Kirk’s genes, right?’_

_‘Your father was Captain of a Starship for 11 minutes. He saved 200 lives.’_

_‘Just not the two that mattered, huh?’ Jim said bitterly._

_‘If you really wanted to connect with the parents you never knew, you would enlist in Starfleet.’_

_‘Enlist?’ Jim scoffed. ‘You guys must be way down on your recruiting quota for the month! I’m happy where I am. For the first time in my whole damn life, I’m doing exactly what I want.’_

_‘If you’re half the man your father was, or your adopted brother, Jim, Starfleet could use you.’_

_Jim steeled instantly, twitching at the passing mention. ‘We done?’_

_‘I’m done.’ Pike stood and tossed out one last opportunity for the young man. ‘Riverside Shipyard. Shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow morning, 0800.’ Pike paused for a moment and played his final card._

_‘Your brother was one of the smartest fast-tracked students I’ve seen. He graduated in four years. I dare you to do better.’_

_Jim’s fist clenched, bloodied knuckles splitting again._

_‘Four years?’ He repeated. He looked up at the Captain standing on the other side of the table. ‘I’ll do it in three.’ He promised._

* * *

 

McCoy didn’t know what he was expecting when Jim woke up. He certainly didn’t expect to chase a suspended, severely medicated and allergenic cadet all over the damn ship. He was getting too old for this.

Lieutenant Uhura was keeping up behind them, confused but following all the same. McCoy swore repeatedly when he realised the only destination they could be heading for.

‘Captain!’ Jim yelled, running into the Bridge at full speed. ‘Captain Pike, sir, we have to stop the ship.’

Both Captain Pike and Spock stood, frowning at him.

‘Kirk, how the hell did you get on board the _Enterprise_ _?_ ’ Pike demanded.

‘Jim Kirk, you are not a senior officer and have no business on this bridge.’ Spock said, voice dangerously low.

Pike turned to him. ‘Did you have anything to do with this?’

‘I assure you, Captain, Vulcans cannot tell lies.’ Spock said evenly. McCoy dully noted that, despite not being liars, Vulcans didn’t have to tell the whole truth.

‘Captain, this man’s under the influence of a severe reaction to a vaccine.’ McCoy began, ignoring Jim’s protests. ‘He’s completely delusional-’

‘Vulcan is not experiencing a natural disaster.’ Jim interrupted, his voice forceful. ‘It’s being attacked by Romulans.’

‘Romulans? Cadet Kirk, you’ve had enough attention for one day.’ Pike rounded on McCoy. ‘McCoy, take him back to medical. We’ll have words later.’ He ordered.

‘Aye, Captain.’ McCoy took a step back. He was about to grab Jim and haul him back to the medbay, but Jim stepped up, levelling the field between himself and the Captain.

‘Sir, that same anomaly that we saw today…’ he began.

‘Cadet Kirk.’ Pike said slowly, putting as much emphasis on the rank as possible.

Spock moved forward, using his height to intimidate where his demeanour lost all effect. ‘James Kirk, your presence on this bridge-’

Jim rolled his eyes, speaking over the top of him. ‘Look, I get it; I’m your dirty little secret-’

‘puts this crew in danger, yourself included and that is something I will not allow-’

‘and you think I’ll ruin your career, but this isn’t dealing with bullies in the schoolyard-’

‘I can remove you, cadet…’

‘Try it!’ Jim roared. ‘This _cadet_ is trying to save this ship and your sorry ass.’

‘By recommending a full stop mid-warp during a rescue mission?’ Spock challenged, a sneer almost forming on his lips.

Jim tore away from Spock’s accusing eyes and turned to Pike. ‘It’s not a rescue mission, listen to me, it’s a trap.’

‘Based on what facts?’ Spock demanded.

Using the teachings he never fully mastered, but was still very well trained in, Jim calmed himself, pushing emotions away from the surface and suppressing them.

‘That same anomaly, a lightning storm in space that we saw today, also occurred on the day of my birth,’ he shot Spock a look that could kill before turning back to Pike, ‘the day I was orphaned sir, before a Romulan ship attacked the _U.S.S. Kelvin_.’

McCoy watched in fascination as Jim laid out the information he’d assembled, from various sources and on different topics, forming a watertight argument. Even at the Academy, Jim had always seemed scatterbrained and impatient, but now McCoy was beginning to think that he simply processed information too fast for regular conversation.

‘We’re warping into a trap, sir.’ Jim said finally. ‘The Romulans are waiting for us, I promise you that.’

Eyes shifted to Spock as he digested Jim’s argument.

‘Jim’s logic is sound.’ He decided.

A strange look of relief and… _pride_ washed over Jim’s face.

‘And Lieutenant Uhura is unmatched in xenolinguistics, we would be wise to accept her conclusion.’

Jim’s eyes narrowed curiously at Spock’s high praise. Such a thing was not easily given from the half-Vulcan and Jim was impressed. He carefully watched Spock’s face as Uhura relieved the current communications officer. There was a slight twitch in his neck and a carefully concealed look of satisfaction crossed his face that only someone who had much experience studying Vulcan expressions would have noticed.

Jim dismissed the thought, because all too soon, Captain Pike was issuing a Red Alert and shields were raised.

‘Arrival at Vulcan in five seconds.’ Sulu announced. ‘Four, three.’

Jim looked to the side, throwing a look at his older brother.

‘Two.’

Spock returned the look, the similar emotion and understanding shining in his eyes.

No words were said, but the meaning was clear.

_They’re almost home_.

‘One.’


	3. Chapter 2

* * *

 

_‘He doesn’t have hair.’ Spock said. He peered at the tiny baby asleep in his mother’s arms._

_Amanda laughed and reclined further into the pillows._

_‘He does, sweetie, it’s just blond.’ Amanda said softly._

_Spock clambered on top of the bed, trying to see the face in the bundle of cloths. ‘Blond.’ He repeated, trying the new word slowly. He frowned at the baby, eyebrows knitting together in confusion._

_‘Here.’ Amanda beckoned her son over to sit on her lap and placed the newborn in front of him, cradled with her legs and hand. Spock stared down at him with wide-eyed fascination._

_‘I don’t see any hair.’ Spock muttered._

_‘It’s there.’ Amanda assured him. She guided his hand carefully to brush at the fine hair on the soft skull. Spock gasped when he felt it, feather-light. ‘Careful.’ Amanda urged, but Spock’s touch was almost reverent on the baby’s head._

_‘Why is it blond?’ Spock asked._

_‘Sometimes humans have different hair colours.’ Amanda explained._

_‘He’s human?’ Spock asked, wriggling around to look up at his mother._

_‘Yes, he is.’_

_‘Like you.’ Spock said, then looked back at the baby. ‘Almost like me.’_

_Amanda’s heart ached at her son’s conclusion and she rested her cheek on his dark head. She was about to speak again when Sarek entered, his shoulders set and face unreadable._

_Amanda could tell something was wrong as soon as she saw him._

_‘Sarek?’ she asked, worry creeping into her voice. ‘What is it?’_

_‘I received a communication.’ He answered. ‘It concerns the_ U.S.S. Kelvin _.’_

_Spock didn’t listen when his father spoke quietly to her and his mother started sobbing quietly against his back._

_His fingers brushed the soft blond hair and the baby slept happily._

 

* * *

 

Nothing could have prepared Spock for seeing the utter carnage that filled the viewscreen when they dropped out of warp. Collisions rocked the bridge. With the first jolt to the ship, Spock had one arm over Jim’s shoulders, anchoring him and protecting him from being thrown about. Jim tolerated the action, because he knew he didn’t have the strength to throw the arm off. Spock would often take his human strength into account, moving away if he was shoved, even if the push couldn’t budge him. But he wouldn’t move now, not if Jim was in danger.

The inertial dampeners were compensating now, steadying the ship as it was battered from all sides by small debris. Jim threw the protective arm off and Spock allowed him. Spock touched his shoulder, it had jarred while trying to hold Jim safely.

Spock returned to his science station, scanning for any anomalies that could explain the chaos. Jim spared a glance to the side, where McCoy was looking slightly sickly and gripping the consol with white-knuckled strength. His aviophobia had slowly become manageable over the years and hours of flight simulations, but when you’ve dropped out of warp into a graveyard of ships and being knocked around by explosions, there isn’t a person on board who isn’t scared of flying.

They passed beneath the fractured hull of a Federation ship – not without damage to the nacelles if the blaring sirens Jim was hearing were correct – and a horrifying image greeted them.

A great spindly ship hung over the surface of Vulcan, curved like a macabre claw. Jim straightened. Was this the ship? Was this the strange Romulan craft that destroyed the _Kelvin_?

‘Captain, they’re locking torpedoes.’ Spock reported.

Jim focused on Captain Pike and his calm, authoritative voice handing out commands in the chaos. _That is what I want_ he thought to himself. _That’s who I want to be_.

‘Get me Starfleet Command.’ Pike ordered.

‘Captain, the Romulan Ship has lowered some kind of high-energy pulse device into the Vulcan atmosphere.’ Spock spoke. ‘Its signal appears to be blocking our communications and transporter abilities.’

Jim shot him a concerned glance. ‘A weapon?’

‘I’m not sure.’ Spock answered truthfully.

Then, suddenly, inexplicably, the enemy ship stopped firing.

‘Captain, we’re being hailed.’ Uhura said, and then a face appeared on screen.

Jim had never actually seen a Romulan in person. The familiar pointed ears and slanted eyebrows on a face so... alien churned his gut. The Romulan, Nero, sneered as Pike addressed him.

‘I do not speak for the Empire.’ Nero said, his head cocking to one side. ‘We stand apart. As does your Vulcan crew member-’ Jim’s head jerked to the side. ‘-isn’t that right, Spock?’

Spock stood smoothly, face as impassive as ever. Despite being estranged for years, Jim was sure his brother had met a Romulan before. All eyes followed him as he moved forward.

‘Pardon me; I do not believe that you and I are acquainted.’

Jim knew the close genetic links between Romulans and Vulcans made their differences stand all the more stark. A Vulcan acting diplomatic and logical would send the Romulan into a rage and make more mistakes. The strategy was sound, but Nero merely smiled.

‘No we’re not. Not yet.’ Nero answered, chillingly calm. ‘Spock, there’s something I would like you to see.’

Without elaborating, Nero gave Captain Pike instructions to join him on the Romulan ship, the _Nerada_ , and the transmission was cut off.

All eyes followed Pike as he stood.

‘He’ll kill you. You know that.’ Jim said.

‘Your survival is unlikely.’ Spock added, his voice layering over the top of his brother’s.

‘Diplomacy is a waste of time. You’ll put yourself in danger for nothing.’

‘I agree, you should re-think your strategy.’

‘I know that.’ Pike replied. ‘I need officers who’ve been trained in advanced hand-to-hand combat.’

‘I have training, sir.’ Sulu volunteered.

‘Come with me.’ Pike ordered, then he turned the brothers. ‘You two as well. No use having one without the other.’

 

* * *

 

_Spock was leaving the school on his own, which was unusual in itself. The gangly-limbed teenager was never seen without his younger and constantly grinning brother._

_Inwardly, Spock was concerned that Jim hadn’t bounded up to him the minute he finished his session._

_‘Son of a bitch!’ a voice yelled. Spock was already sprinting before he heard the scrambling footsteps on slippery gravel._

_He rounded the corner and saw Jim crumpled on the ground, three older Vulcan’s around him. The oldest Vulcan was completely impassive as he calmly raised his gaze from Jim’s crippled form to Spock’s hidden expression of fury._

_‘He attacked me, then slipped.’ The Vulcan reported._

_Spock fell to his knees beside Jim, lifting his head gently. Spock cradled his head, feeling around the skull. His fingers came away from the back of his head slicked with red blood, looking so alien against his green-tinged skin. More red blood was smeared on a jagged rock nearby and the thought made Spock burn with hatred._

_Jim twitched and moaned, pain flitting across his face._

_‘You’re okay, Jim.’ Spock muttered. ‘I’ve got you. You’re safe.’_

_Carefully, he gripped Jim’s wrist and pulled him upwards, slinging him across his back. Jim was mostly limp and let his brother slide him into a piggy-back, conscious enough to link his hands around Spock’s neck._

_Spock’s eyes were smouldering when he stood and faced the older Vulcan’s. With restraint he wasn’t aware he had, he prioritized and turned around._

_He ran the entire way home._

 

* * *

 

Spock, Jim and Sulu followed close behind Captain Pike as they walked through engineering towards the shuttle bay. They listened closely to his orders, the plan he’d laid out in seemingly no time at all to disable the machine scrambling their communication and transport systems.

‘And if all else fails, fall back and rendezvous with the Fleet in the Laurentian system.’ He stopped outside the turbolift and turned back to them. ‘Kirk, I’m promoting you to First Officer.’

‘What?’ Jim demanded.

‘Captain.’ Spock said sharply. His mouth hovered open for a moment, but he could think of nothing to say.

‘You two balance each other out. Between the two of you, there’s at least one level-headed smart thinker.’ Pike smirked. ‘And I’m not Captain, Spock. You are.’ Pike said.

Spock faltered for a moment. ‘Captain, permission to speak with Cadet Kirk for a moment.’ He was speaking to Pike, but his eyes never left Jim, who was twitching with a strange sense of agitation. Jim looked to Pike, impatiently waiting for permission.

Pike waved Jim away. ‘Talk to your brother.’

It wasn’t the first time he’d been asked to do that.

The first, when Jim was just shy of seven years of age, old enough to know _why_ his ears weren’t pointed and his blood wasn’t green. Old enough to feel a chill come over him when he saw his brother and father – _strangers, he never knew them, not really_ –and ended up hiding in his room or close to his mother’s leg. He didn’t know how to react to the boy he’d grown up with, who’d protected him and taught him things. He wasn’t his brother, not really. It wasn’t until Sarek, not Amanda, surprisingly enough, had knelt down to his level, placed a hand on his shoulder and said, ‘Talk to your brother, Jim. He misses you.’

The next time, and the time after that, and even more spread over the last few years, Amanda speaking over a commlink., her face weary and eyes aged.

‘Talk to your brother.’ She urged, time and time again.

‘No.’ Jim had said shortly.

‘Jim…’ Amanda began.

‘We just don’t have anything to talk about. I don’t see the point.’ Jim had shrugged, then promptly changed the subject.

But this time, Jim pulled Spock a safe distance away from Pike and Sulu.

‘This isn’t right.’ Jim muttered angrily. ‘This is too much of the same. The lightning storm, the shuttle.’ He looked up at Spock, frowning slightly. ‘Don’t do anything stupid, okay?’

Spock paused for a moment. ‘Jim. This mission is too dangerous.’

‘What?’

‘There are too many undetermined variables, anything could go wrong.’ Spock continued. ‘I won’t allow it.’

Jim laughed incredulously. ‘You’re telling me to stay on the ship?’

Spock nodded. ‘I don’t want you to go on this mission.’

‘Yeah, well I didn’t want you to leave me, but we don’t always get what we want.’ Jim shot back scathingly. He moved off, sliding into the turbolift behind Sulu.

‘Be careful with the ship, Spock.’ Pike said offhandedly. ‘She’s brand new.’

The doors slid closed and he stayed there, staring at the control panel as it blinked downwards.

‘Be careful with my brother.’ He whispered.

 

* * *

 

 

_When Jim was two years old, Spock should have been at the stage of development where he explored the world. But the half-Vulcan spent his days explaining everything he could see to his little brother._

_‘This is a pin cushion.’ Spock said solemnly, passing the object to Jim. ‘It no have pins, but it’s still same name.’_

_The younger brother gripped it in a pudgy hand, staring at it for a moment before dropping it and pointing. ‘What da?’_

_Spock plucked a petal from one of the potted plants their mother kept. ‘This a piece of flower.’ He informed. Jim instinctively went to put the petal in his mouth, but Spock pushed his hand down. ‘Not for eating!’_

_Jim nodded understanding earnestly and pointed at a cloth bag. ‘What dere?’_

_Amanda thought it was strange. When she played with her sons, Jim chattered on, half intelligible, and Spock watched quietly. But when they were alone, Jim quietened to listen to his older brother's knowledge. The young boy was always in quiet awe of everything his brother did._

_'Sarek?’ she asked, her voice ringing out through the house. ‘Where are Spock and Jim?’_

_It was very rare that one of their names would leave her mouth without the other following close behind, just like how they were in life. It had been that way ever since Jim had been old enough to walk and Spock had been wise enough to lead. It was as if, at that moment, they had ceased to be individuals and became one entity, Spock-and-Jim._

_‘They are in your study.’ Sarek answered._

_It hadn’t taken long to find them. Her knitting bag was overturned and the contents were strewn everywhere in the name of discovery and adventure. Spock and Jim were in the middle of a mess of gray wool, curled around each other like puppies._

_Amanda smiled when Spock nudged Jim closer to himself, blond and black hair contrasting against the browned and pale skin. It seemed that everything in the universe was working to force them apart, in personality, in the colour of their blood, but they still clung to each other, wrapped up together in gray wool and soft breaths._

_Amanda couldn’t disturb the image, so she knelt down and silently gathered two of the scattered knitting needles and began at one end of the wool._

_She started knitting a large, misshapen sweater. It was the only thing she could knit –other than a scarf –and she’d never learnt how to adjust the sizes to fit a toddler._

_She shrugged off the thought and decided that one of them can wear it when they’re older. Until then, they can curl up in its comfort together._

_Her sons, her boys. Spock-and-Jim._

* * *

 

 

Reports bounced back and forth between the _Enterprise_ and the jump-team. Endless strings of numbers, distances from the target. It was a testament to Jim’s emotional training exercises that kept his voice steady and calm as he free-fell, his composure keeping the other two officers sane, or maybe it was due to Jim’s commanding personality.

‘O-Olsen is gone, sir.’ Chekov stammered, scarcely able to believe the readings the computer was giving.

Spock’s hand tightened on the arm of the captain’s chair imperceptively.

‘Kirk has landed, sir.’ Chekov reported, and Spock’s relief was almost unnoticeable.

Almost.

Tense minutes passed on the bridge, with little knowledge of what was happening miles from the planet’s surface.

Uhura reported the news that made Spock breathe out a long, steady breath in relief.

‘The jamming signal’s gone; transporter abilities are re-established.’

‘Transporter control is reengaged, sir.’ Chekov added.

‘Retrieve them the instant the transporter room has a lock.’ Spock ordered. ‘Chekov, run gravitational sensors, I want to know what they were doing to the planet.’

‘Aye Commander-’ Chekov corrected himself. ‘Captain, sorry, Captain.’

 

* * *

 

 

Chekov’s own throat became constricted as he registered the report he was ordered to give.

‘If my calculations are correct, they’re creating a single entity,’ he spun to face the acting captain, ‘that will consume the planet.’

Spock’s eyebrows shifted in horror. ‘They are creating a black hole in the centre of Vulcan?’

The information was almost too much for him to fully comprehend, but he allowed logic to overcome his emotions and he sprung into action.

 

* * *

 

 

_‘I found it.’ Jim announced, striding into the hall with a bundle of gray cloth in his arms. ‘It was in the bottom of my cupboard. Pretty much the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen.’ He passed it over to his brother with a grin in place. ‘I don’t know why you’re going to wear that in public, let alone in front of the Council.’_

_‘What are you talking about? You used to love this sweater! Besides,_ I _think it’s cute.’ Amanda defended her craftsmanship._

_‘Mom.’ Jim looked at her pointedly. ‘I have a holovid of me puking on your shoulder and you still called me cute.’_

_Spock rubbed the material reverently. ‘Thank you, Jim.’_

_He moved into his bedroom to change into an outfit that would allow the sweater to be worn. Jim leant against the observation window and watched the movement of life in the city below._

_‘I can’t believe he got an interview for the Science Academy.’ Jim muttered. He looked hopefully at his mother. ‘Do you think he’ll get in?’_

_‘Spock can do anything he sets his mind to.’ Amanda says confidently. ‘I know he’ll get in.’_

_Jim practically beamed at his mother’s assurance. ‘Think about it, though. Spock’ll be the first…’_

_He trailed off, unable to think of a polite word to describe his brother. Echoes of harsh words from school peers rang through his mind._ Hybrid. Half-breed. Freak. _He suppressed them down with all the training he had._

_Jim brushed it off. ‘He’ll be the first. He’s worked so hard, he deserves it.’_

_Amanda smiled at her son’s evident pride. ‘What will you do, once you finish school?’_

_Jim sighed at the thought. Amanda had been nagging him for quite some time about choosing a profession. Despite the fact that there was only one year’s difference between himself and Spock, Jim was held back two years worth of schooling to keep up to the Vulcan expectations._

_‘I don’t know.’ He shrugged. ‘Become a mechanic. Maybe get a job on a passenger craft, take a turn around the universe.’ He grinned at her. ‘Might even drop by Earth.’_

_Amanda hesitated for a moment. ‘You could join Starfleet.’_

_Jim snapped around to face her. ‘What? Mom, no.’_

_‘Sweetheart, Starfleet has the best of everything to offer you.’ Amanda began. ‘You deserve so much more than being a mechanic on a broken down ship.’_

_‘Yeah, well I’m not signing up for Starfleet, alright?’ Jim said shortly._

_‘I always thought you’d be running off to the Academy the minute you were old enough to pass the test, just like-’_

_‘You finish that sentence, Mom, and I’m walking out.’ Jim warned, voice strained._

_‘Jimmy!’ Amanda exclaimed, affronted._

_‘Starfleet’s the reason I don’t have a family, I’m not gonna-’_

_Amanda forcefully grabbed her son and spun him to face her._

_‘You listen to me, young man.’ Amanda said sharply, her tone commanding respect. ‘You have a family and we all love you very much. Starfleet was not responsible for what happened on the_ Kelvin _. Both your parents and I were involved in Starfleet, and I don’t regret a second of it.’ She placed both hands on the side of his face, smiling at him in the way he’d always treasured. ‘You could make a great Captain one day, Jim, I’m sure of it.’_

_Jim couldn’t help but feel pride swell up inside him at those words, but he locked the emotion away under a harsh remark. ‘All a Captain does is get people killed.’_

_Spock emerged from his bedroom, dressed in a high collared white uniform with the ratted, thick grey sweater pulled over the top._

_Jim’s personality changed like the flip of a switch, bright and warm. ‘Knock them dead, Spock.’_

_‘I certainly hope not.’ Spock remarked, his eyes twinkling with humour._

* * *

 

 

Chekov’s brilliant calculations compensated for the altered gravitational pull, but there wasn’t enough time to withdraw all the momentum from their freefall. The bright lights encase them mere meters from the ground and the next moment they crashed onto the floor of the transporter room.

Jim had rolled underneath Sulu during the final moments of their fall. He grunted, crushed under the weight of the other man. He felt several ribs crack and break from the force and groaned at the pain.

Sulu rolled off, coughing and spluttering on the transporter pad. Chekov exclaimed something joyous in Russian. Jim could hardly move, but intense relief swept through him as he felt solid, unshifting ground underneath him.

Warm, careful hands lifted him slowly, positioning him to sit on the edge of the pad and supporting the weight placed on wounded ribs. Jim hissed through his teeth and he didn’t even need to open his eyes.

‘Thanks, Spock.’ He muttered.

Spock watched him with a concerned expression he hardly bothered to mask.

‘You have several broken ribs.’ He informed the wounded man. ‘Do not move until a medical team is able to retrieve you.’

Spock shot a pointed look at a nearby Ensign who scurried off to alert Medical.

‘Help me up.’ Jim said.

‘No.’ Spock answered shortly. ‘Your wounds are too extensive-’

‘Bullshit. Help me up.’

Jim braced himself on Spock’s form, a hand on the steady shoulder to lever onto his feet. His entire upper body muscles were burning from the fist fight and hanging on by his fingertips, miles from the planet’s surface and his ribs stabbed with white hot fire.

Jim noticed the utility belt with phaser and communicator and his eyes narrowed.

‘You better be making a fashion statement, Spock.’ He warned.

Spock refused to let his eyes drop guiltily. ‘There are things you don’t understand.’

‘Spock, what the hell are you planning on doing?’ Jim’s voice was low.

‘Clear the pad.’ The Vulcan ordered, and Sulu moved to obey. ‘Prepare to beam to the surface.’ He ordered to Ensign Chekov at the transporter consol.

‘You’re going down there? Are you nuts?’ Jim demanded. ‘This is exactly the kind of bullshit I knew was going to happen. It’s suicidal, Spock, and you know it.’

‘And leaping from the platform was not?’ Spock shot back.

‘That-’ Jim grimaced and began again. ‘That was life or death.’

‘So is this.’

The older brother pushed away, speaking quickly to Ensign Chekov at the transporter consol. Jim grunted, pressing a hand into his side. Pain overcame him, almost suffocating with its intensity. No, literally suffocating. With his ribs cracked and muscles strained he couldn’t draw enough air into his lungs.

‘Spock.’ He croaked, before dropping to his knees and slumping forward.

Spock caught him before he hit the ground, one hand bracing on his shoulder and the other coaxing his head up.

‘I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.’ He gasped, head lolling. ‘It doesn’t hurt. I can’t even feel it.’

Suddenly, McCoy was there, barking orders and he was lifted onto a gurney. Jim reached out and his shaking hand clutched Spock’s blue sleeve.

‘Spock, you can’t.’ he croaked with as much force as he could muster.

‘I must.’ Spock lifted his gaze to the doctor, who waved him off.

‘I’ve got him, he’ll be fine.’ McCoy answered the unspoken question.

With great effort, Spock pulled his arm from Jim’s grip and moved to the transporter pad. He crouched on the platform.

‘Energise.’ He ordered.

Jim’s vision faded to blackness shortly after white light engulfed his brother.

They were always opposites.

Spock-and-Jim.


	4. Chapter 4

_The Council’s majestic, high-roofed hall was cold, the temperature lowered below the average outside. Spock was grateful for this; thankful that the grey-woollen sweater he was wearing served a practical purpose and not just sentimental comfort._

_The silence echoed through the hall as the Chief Minister examined Spock’s file._

_‘You have far surpassed the expectations of your instructors in the area of Sciences. Your final record, however, is flawed.’ The Minister announced._

_‘Each of those instances have been thoroughly examined.’ Spock informed them. ‘My reactions were found to be acceptable given the circumstances.’_

_‘There is no doubt that you display a lack of emotional control, particularly regarding your family.’ At this, the Minister cast a side-long glance towards Ambassador Sarek, as if this was his fault._

_‘I fail to see how that will impair my study.’ Spock said. ‘My brother will not be standing beside me as I research.’_

_If possible, the Minister’s emotionless face frowned._

_‘You are aware that adherence to the discipline of Kolinahr is expected of all our students.’ He said._

_‘My intelligence, as well as my performance in my study, is more than sufficient to warrant acceptance.’ Spock argued._

_‘Arrogance does not become you, Spock.’_

_‘Nor you, Minister.’_

_‘Spock.’ Sarek said sharply and Spock backed down._

_The Chief Minister conferred with the rest of the Council. Spock balled his hands into fists behind his back._

_‘You can understand that this decision is a difficult one.’ The Minister said finally. ‘Your emotional outbursts may prove hazardous to this establishment. However, your skill and potential has proven to be in your favour. You are hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy. All rise.’_

_‘Hazardous to this establishment?’ Spock repeated under his breath as the Council stood._

_‘You must be aware, Spock, that future emotional outbursts will not be tolerated.’ The Minister continued. ‘The disadvantages caused by your genetic heritage and family upbringing must not interfere with your study. Be aware of the risk this Council is taking in accepting you, and be grateful for this opportunity.’_

_Spock’s jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed. ‘Council. Ministers.’ He said slowly. ‘Allow me to express my gratitude. I decline.’_

_‘No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy.’ The Minister said._

_‘Then as I am half-human, your records remain untarnished.’ Spock replied._

_He raised his head and the shadow of a smirk touched his lips._

_‘Live long and prosper.’_

 

* * *

 

 Heartbeat. Heartbeat. Breath. Heartbeat. Heartbeat.

Jim gasped as he woke, only selective sensations piercing through the drug fogged mind. Someone was yelling. It was cold. Something burnt filled the air.

Jim frowned and opened his eyes slowly. There was pain and drugs and flat, uncomfortable biobeds.

‘B-… Bones.’ His voice was hoarse and rough. ‘Bones.’

There was movement and more shouted orders, but Jim couldn’t focus his eyes and had trouble deciphering words. A sharp sting on his neck followed by a hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality.

‘That’ll clear your head a bit.’ McCoy said. ‘You’ve been on a cocktail of drugs.’

‘My toes are all tingly.’ Jim slurred, his mind sobering. He could hear the smile in McCoy’s voice. Living with Vulcan’s for nineteen years had fine-tuned his ability to detect emotions.

‘You’ll be fine. You got lucky this time. Good facilities, hairline fracture break of the bone.’ McCoy tapped on a PADD and gave it to a nurse. ‘Your ribs are fixed, no lasting damage. You’ll probably want to get the drugs out of your system, so don’t be surprised if-’

Jim rolled over the biobed, gripping the edge and heaving. He retched and vomited, spew splashing on the sickbay floor. McCoy stepped back and yelled for someone to bring him a towel. Jim kept his eyes on McCoy’s boots as he heaved again. He dully noted McCoy’s scrubs were already stained with bile and blood and something sickly green.

A towel wiped across his face and Jim spat into it gratefully.

‘If I had a credit for every time you threw up on me, Jim.’ McCoy muttered.

Jim grunted and touched his ribs. Other than tenderness, he seemed fine. McCoy sat beside him on the biobed. Without warning, he blurted a confession.

‘I had a brother.’

The words fall from his mouth almost like the vomit from moments ago and he forced down a wince at the comparison. McCoy looked at him, an eyebrow raised in a way that asks if he really wanted to say this.

‘A- A real one.’ Jim added. ‘For like, two months. His name was George Samuel Kirk and he was born premature.’ He smiled humourlessly. ‘He didn’t last long. He died on his original due date.’

‘Jim.’ McCoy started. ‘You’re sick. You don’t have to-’

‘I gotta –I gotta say this.’ Jim frowned, eyes not leaving the ground as he spoke.

McCoy moved to sit next to him on the biobed, listening intently.

‘My Mom and Dad had three miscarriages before George Samuel and, uh, four after him. They wanted kids so bad, but they couldn’t do it any more, so Mom called her old room-mate from the Academy. Amanda Grayson.’ Jim turned to him, eyes shining with a strange emotion. ‘You ever heard of her?’

McCoy shook his head and tried to ignore the look of sadness that flashed across his best friend’s face.

‘Anyway.’ Jim cleared his throat. ‘Amanda and Mom were good friends back in the Academy.

 

* * *

 

_‘Winona.’ Amanda said, digging through the closet._

_A groan from the other side of the room._

_‘Win, where is my other boot?’_

_The blankets shifted as Winona buried deeper into them._

_‘’m still asleep.’_

_‘Then wake up. Class starts in half an hour.’ Amanda reminded her._

_‘I can get heaps of sleep in half an hour.’ Winona mumbled. She rolled over and regarded her roommate with a raised eyebrow. ‘What are you so excited about?’_

_‘Interplanetary Political Science.’ Amanda said cheerfully. ‘There’s a guy in my class whose been debating against me all term. I’ve finally got the examples I need to take him down.’_

_‘You need to get out more.’ Winona said. ‘Or less. I haven’t decided yet.’_

_‘He’s from Iowa.’ Amanda supplied, still searching their room. ‘You two should catch up, you might go way back.’_

_‘Yes, then we’ll get married, have lots of fat babies and make sweet, sweet love every night.’ Winona drawled. She frowned and sat up, pushing the blankets from her face. ‘Wait, not… Kirk?’_

_‘Yeah.’ Amanda pulled the cadet reds on, flicking her long dark hair out of the turtleneck. ‘He’s in Command Track. Blue eyes, mid-Western drawl…’_

_‘Unbearably arrogant attitude.’ Winona finished._

_‘If it makes you feel any better, I’m going to kick his ass in class today.’ Amanda said cheerfully._

_‘It does, Amanda.’ Winona smiled, falling back on her pillow._

_Amanda grabbed her PADD and zipped up her boots. ‘I still think you should get together.’ She said nonchalantly. ‘You’re both so stubborn you might cancel each other out.’_

_The door hissed closed moments before the pillow thumped against it._

 

* * *

 

 ‘Amanda Grayson was living on Vulcan at the time.’ Jim continued. ‘Married to the Vulcan Ambassador to Earth and a senior Starfleet communications officer. She had also given birth to a healthy Vulcan-Human hybrid.’

‘Spock.’ McCoy supplied.

‘Yeah. Spock.’ Jim swallowed and craned his neck around to see his best friend’s face. ‘You’re the doctor, you know about surrogacy, right?’

McCoy’s eyebrow quirked but he nodded. ‘That’s an antiquated term. A second woman carries the foetus to term for a couple.’

Jim snorted at a memory. ‘When they asked her, Amanda said that she gave birth to a Vulcan, how hard could a Kirk be?’ he smiled to himself there, but a bitter edge carried through.

‘Jim, why didn’t they use a mech-uterus?’ McCoy asked.

Jim threw his head back and laughed. ‘Mom and Dad wanted me to be normal. Last time anyone called me that, huh?’

McCoy handed him a small paper cup of water.

‘Rinse and spit.’ He instructed.

Jim obeyed, drool mixing with the rest of the fluid on the floor.

‘The rest of the story isn’t hard to figure out.’ Jim shrugged. ‘I was on Vulcan being born when the _Kelvin_ was attacked. I had no where else to go so Amanda and Sarek adopted me.’

 

* * *

 

  _Spock, dressed in his black pyjamas, stood close to the doorway in his home, watching his parents have a heated argument. He stayed silent, his brow creasing slightly at the raised voices –voice, Sarek’s tone never changed –and hiding a little behind the doorframe._

_‘You have stated on multiple occasions how necessary love and affection is for a human child, Amanda.’ Sarek said. ‘Vulcan is hardly hospitable for a human, much less a child.’_

_‘You’re saying he won’t get that here?’ Amanda challenged.  ‘Well then, maybe I should leave too.’_

_‘You are making assumptions.’ Sarek answered firmly. His face softened and he stepped closer to her. ‘Forgive me for asking this, but is the grief you feel for George and Winona Kirk clouding your judgement?’_

_Amanda spun sharply on her heel and walked towards the window. ‘We were listed as potential adoptive parents in their wills.’ She stated._

_‘It is a responsibility we are able to refuse.’ Sarek reminded her. ‘James would become emotionally stunted if he were to remain on Vulcan.’_

_‘Yeah, he’s not the only one.’ Amanda muttered under her breath._

_Sarek’s head tilted but he didn’t question her. ‘He is not our son.’ He reminded her._

_Amanda pulled back from him. ‘I carried him. I felt him grow.’ She said softly._

_‘I was merely implying,’ Sarek attempted to find the words, ‘Spock will suffer enough because of his hybrid heritage. James will not be tolerated in Vulcan society-’_

_‘Think of it as a lesson in tolerance.’ Amanda said. ‘Vulcan is supposed to be part of the Federation. How many other species live here? And, I mean… Spock…’_

_Sarek’s face did not betray his concerns. Spock pressed himself closer to the doorway, trying to vanish into the wood._

_‘Spock will always be surrounded by people who look down on him.’ Amanda spoke softly. ‘He needs someone who looks up to him.’ She smiled. ‘Spock needs a brother. I know James will always admire him and Spock will always protect him.’_

_Sarek nodded slightly and his gaze shifted to over Amanda’s shoulder._

_Amanda spun around, finally noticing Spock’s small form hiding at the doorway._

_‘Spock, what are you doing there?’ she asked._

_‘The baby woke up.’ Spock said, stepping into the room. ‘He’s not crying. I was… concerned.’_

_‘You did the right thing, Spock.’ Amanda assured him. She walked over to him and picked the small boy up, settling him on her hip. ‘Let’s get you both asleep.’_

_Spock hugged around Amanda’s neck, watching his father over his mother’s shoulder as he was carried from the room._

_Sarek inclined his head, something akin to a smile echoing across his features while he watched his wife and one of his sons._

 

* * *

 

 Jim suddenly shifted, staring down at his hands. ‘You know, they ran some tests on my DNA. Turns out, if Mom and Dad had me the normal way, I probably would have survived. The birth, I mean, I would have burnt up in the Kelvin or a shuttle.’ Jim shrugged voice bitter. ‘Just as well. Dad would never be able to save the two hundred lives he did with his wife in labour.

‘Y’know how Pike called me a genius that one time?’ Jim asked him. McCoy nodded mutely. ‘I’m nothing special. I was just trying to prove I could handle whatever Spock could.’

‘Jim.’ McCoy said evenly. ‘You grew up on a planet where you were the only human of your age, and you still managed to be who you are now. That makes you special.’

Jim smiled at that. ‘My teenage rebellion consisted of smiling and watching holovids from Earth. Spock used to hate it when-’

Jim’s head snapped up and he turned to McCoy, eyes wide.

‘Spock beamed down to Vulcan.’ He remembered. ‘What happened to him, is he okay?’

‘Jim.’ McCoy said softly. ‘A lot of things happened while you were out.’

Stumbling slightly, Jim slid off the side of the bed, blinking rapidly as he glanced around sickbay. He bent slightly to the side, but he hardly even limped.

‘Spock?’ he called softly.  The sickbay was bustling with movement, but he couldn’t see the unmistakable figure of his older brother. ‘Spock?’

‘Damnit, Jim. You need to sit down.’ McCoy warned, manoeuvring in front of him and grabbing him by the shoulder.

‘Where is he?’ Jim panicked, heart-rate spiking. ‘Bones, what happened on Vulcan?’

‘I’ll explain, Jim.’ McCoy assured him. ‘But only if you sit down.’

Jim had staggered to the foot of his biobed, and for the briefest moment, McCoy’s eyes flicked down over Jim’s shoulder, glancing at the bed next to them. He suddenly became very aware of the sickly green stains on his medical scrubs.

Jim frowned and slowly turned his head, following his friend’s eyes.

A Science Blue uniform was stained by dust and Jim’s own red blood on the sleeve. His pointed ears and pale face was streaked with dirt. His chest wasn’t moving with steady breaths, Spock was utterly still.

Jim stumbled towards him, reaching out and gripping his brother’s cold hand. His cheeks were sallow and his skin was tinted an unnatural white. Spock was never this cold, never this faded.

‘Wh-what happened?’ Jim forced out.

‘Vulcan.’ McCoy said shortly, resting a hand on Jim’s shoulder.

Jim raised his eyes to the biobed’s readouts. He wasn’t a doctor, but he could guess what the information was saying.

Spock was in a coma.

 

* * *

 

 Chekov’s heart had thudded wildly and his legs shuddered from the adrenaline rush. Moments after calculating the impossible transport of the pilot Sulu and the stowaway, Chekov had given a victorious shout in Russian and sagged in obvious relief. His limbs still tingled from the rush the successful beaming had given him.

Chekov hardly noticed Commander Spock speaking quietly to the cadet. His mind was still full of the swirling equations he had employed on instinct. Papa always said he could think on his feet, and this time Pavel had thought how to do the impossible while running through the _Enterprise_ ’s hallways.

Spock approached him, clipping an away-team utility belt around his waist.

‘Clear the pad.’ The Vulcan ordered. Lieutenant Sulu, obviously exhausted and in pain, moved to obey. ‘Prepare to beam to the surface.’

Spock’s intense glare settled on Chekov, who was still standing at the consol. Foggy minded, Chekov slid the command into the computers.

‘You’re going down there? Are you nuts?’ Cadet Kirk demanded. ‘This is exactly the kind of bullshit I knew was going to happen. It’s suicidal, Spock, and you know it.’

Chekov knew it too. He saw the gravitational sensors. Saw the readings that doomed the planet. Saw Spock stand from his chair smoothly and instruct the other bridge officers before speaking to Lieutenant Uhura in a low pitched tone at the turbo lift.  This was all seconds before the seventeen-year old was handed the responsibility of taking control of the comm in a time of crisis.

But Chekov didn’t know why the First Officer was beaming down into such a dangerous situation.

Spock listed a series of numbers, co-ordinates, and Chekov inputted them into the machines easily enough.

Cadet Kirk croaked out, ‘Spock’ with a strange familiarity and collapsed, his knees slamming into the ground as he gasped for breath.

Doctor McCoy rushed in, pushing a gurney the Cadet was lifted onto. They spoke for a moment, weak demands and harsh answers. Spock stepped onto the platform and crouched on the transporter pad.

‘Energise.’

Chekov obeyed and, with a flash of brilliant white, the Vulcan was gone.

After a few minutes of a post-adrenaline slump, Chekov idly re-calibrated the transporter for the unique atmospheric makeup of the planet they were orbiting.

A signal bleeped on his consol, redirected from communications.

_‘Enterprise, six to beam up.’_

The voice of Acting Captain Spock was urgent on the weak communication. Chekov scanned all the sensors, the life signals were far too weak to sustain a lock.

‘Sir, you need to move into the open.’

_‘That is impossible. The Ark has caved in. We are trapped and the planet doesn’t have much longer.’_

‘S-sir.’ Chekov stuttered. ‘There is no way. The life frequencies are too weak.’

_‘Override the safety protocols.’_

Chekov knew what Commander Spock was ordering. His choice at the moment was between being infinitely diminished by a black hole or risking a dangerous teleportation.

 _‘Ensign Chekov.’_ The cool, collected voice of Lieutenant Uhura interrupted over the same communications link. _‘If Commander Spock were to activate all sensors on the communicator, would those readings be enough?’_

Chekov’s mind was spinning with numbers, estimating quickly.

_‘Ensign!’_

‘Uh, possibly, maybe.’

_‘Do it, Spock. Hurry.’_

‘Override safety parameters.’ Chekov ordered one of the transporter ensigns as he accessed the programming.

A slew of signals and data poured onto his screens as the communicator’s sensors were relayed to them. It was almost impossible to sort through the information to find whatever could be utilized as life frequencies.

‘The planet is losing stability.’ Another officer reported.

Chekov collected the overal of frequencies and established the life signs trapped in the rubble. They were weaker than he would have hoped, but last-minute protocols he instigated would greatly increase their chance of arriving in one piece.

 _‘Ensign Chekov.’_ Uhura said sharply.

‘One minute, one minute.’ Chekov muttered.

A brief pause until the communication from the planet burst to life again.

 _‘We don’t have a minute, Ensign.’_ Spock said, his voice brimming with urgency and desperation. _‘Energise._ Now. _’_

‘Locking volume.’ Chekov reported.

The system locked onto their signals and whirred under Chekov’s fingers. Dazzling bright lights spun rapidly around the pad, forming six figures covered in dust.

They materialised, and the entire transporter room held its breath.

Then, one by one, they all began to fall. They gave no attempt to stop themselves, but crumpled to the ground.

Six skulls connected with the floor with a sickening crack.

 

* * *

 

 ‘Wh-What happened to him?’ Jim asked. His voice was hoarse like a man trapped in the desert without water. He stared down at his brother’s still form.

‘There was some interference with his life signal, the transporter had trouble getting a lock.’ McCoy answered gruffly. ‘But… he’s not the only I’m worried about.’

Jim looked up in confusion, because this was his brother, lying here unconscious while the world went to hell around him. What could possibly be worse?

‘I’m sorry, Jim.’ McCoy placed a hand on his shoulder. The hand became a steering force as Jim was led away from the biobed and to the other end of the Medical Bay, where the most critical patients were treated.

‘Vulcans have a higher structural density.’ McCoy said as they walked past a patient with serious burns. Jim knew that fact, he’d teased Spock about it numerous times.

‘The others are going to be fine.’ McCoy stopped mid-step and looked Jim in the eye. ‘Spock will be fine.’ He said firmly.

Jim nodded distantly. ‘What others?’ he asked.

‘I’m sorry.’ McCoy repeated.

‘You keep saying that, Bones. What the hell is going on?’

‘It’s Spock’s mom, I didn’t realise… shit, I’m sorry.’ McCoy’s head hung for a moment. ‘I don’t know if she’ll make it.’

Cold fear washed through him and he couldn’t speak. McCoy pulled back a privacy curtain to reveal the still figure on the biobed.

Jim always remembered Amanda as having the most animated face he’d ever seen. A quirk of her lips could mean anything from amusement to disappointment to deep love.

Her face was utterly still and vacant.

‘What happened?’ Jim asked, voice strangely even and calm.

‘The transporter. I never trusted those things.’ McCoy muttered. ‘She’s missing significant portions of her liver, kidneys, muscle mass… her digestive system’s shot to hell. We just got out of surgery, rerouting her circulation where it failed. I had to cauterize several veins just to keep her alive.’

Jim carefully lifted her thickly bandaged hand. It was smaller than he remembered.

‘Two fingers were amputated.’ McCoy added.

Jim didn’t answer, his thumb brushing over the gauze in place where her pinkie and ring finger used to be. Briefly, he wondered if she could ever wear her wedding ring again.

‘Jim?’

The last time he saw her was two months ago on a communiqué after the second time he failed the Kobayashi Maru. He had gotten angry, yelling at _her_ for making Spock so determined to keep him out of space. With each hateful accusation, Amanda had calmly responded with reassuring and loving words.

‘Jim.’

He’d never even returned the call once he’d cooled down enough for a proper conversation.

‘Yeah, Bones?’

‘You’re not saying anything.’

‘I’m not thinking much, either.’ Jim lied. He cocked his head to the side. ‘You, uh-, you said there were others?’

As if on cue, Sarek pushed aside the privacy curtain, looking regal in his formal, high-necked robes. Jim jumped to his feet.

‘Sarek.’ Jim sighed, relief evident in his voice.

The Vulcan nodded his acknowledgement and his eyes fell on the unconscious woman.

Jim stood with his shoulders tensed, like he was waiting for Sarek to say something, an accusation or argument or comfort. His eyes darted down to Amanda.

‘Doctor McCoy is her physician.’ Jim offered, voice stiff with formality. ‘She’s in good hands.’

Again, there was no reaction from the older Vulcan while Jim watched expectantly.

‘Sarek?’ Jim prompted.

‘Has the situation been explained to you?’

His tone reminded Jim of when he was a child, a nine year old boy being told that he should consider repeating a year of school because he didn’t understand applications of logarithms.

‘What, the fact that my entire family is unconscious? Yeah, I’ve been informed of that.’ Jim snapped.

Sarek looked over at the blond man glaring at him. Instantly, Jim dropped his eyes, as if he was scolded.

‘Do you know what happened to Vulcan?’ Sarek clarified.

‘I was standing on the platform when the enemy ship launched something into the planet.’ Jim remembered, rubbing at h is forehead to clear his mind. ‘I blacked out when Spock beamed down. Sarek-’ Jim glanced around the Sickbay and the other members of the Council. He lowered his voice and swapped languages, slipping easily into the second dialect of Vulcan. ‘ _Why is the High Council here?_ ’

Sarek looked over at the Council, then over Jim’s shoulder. ‘Your brother is awake.’ He informed him in relief.

Jim spun around, grinning with relief when he saw Spock changing into a clean Science-blue uniform.

‘You and your God-damned healing trances, Spock.’ Jim exclaimed. ‘I could kill you.’

‘That would be inconvenient,’ Spock said calmly, straightening the cuffs that declared his rank in silver bands, ‘as I have just expended much energy in staying alive.’

Jim let out a huff of relief at his brother’s usual dry wit. ‘You scared the crap out of me. I thought you weren’t going to wake up.’

Spock met his eyes for a long moment. ‘Are you alright?’

Jim laughed again. ‘Me? You were the one who was beamed up from Vulcan through solid rock.’ He hesitated, glancing cautiously between Sarek and the other council members. ‘Spock, what happened to Vulcan?’

Spock glanced over to his father for conformation before he begun.

‘Through technology of unknown origin, the enemy ship was able to alter the gravitational forces within Vulcan’s core.’ Spock reported, his voice blank and emotionless. ‘Minutes after you lost consciousness, the core was transformed into a singularity.’

Jim waved a hand to cut him off. ‘Spock, what you’re talking about here… it’s not possible. The technology just doesn’t exist.’

‘The singularity then imploded the entire planet and it was crushed into a black hole.’

‘Spock. Stop it.’ Jim ordered. ‘Just shut up, you’re not talking any sense. I don’t believe you.’

‘It is true.’ Spock said simply.

Jim couldn’t comprehend the enormity of Spock’s claim. He dropped his eyes to the floor, searching for the truth. He felt hollowed out.

‘Commander.’ Uhura’s called. She stood by the entrance of Medbay, her brow creased with worry. ‘Commander Spock, you’re needed on the Bridge.’

He nodded and moved to walk past Jim, who was still staring at the floor as though lost. With a slow movement, he lifted his hand and placed it on Jim’s shoulder. Jim’s head jerked up to look at him, confusion still etched into his features. Spock gently squeezed the shoulder, a gesture he felt uncomfortable with, unpractised, but it was better than the alternative.

In their secret language, the most important gestured they created was deeper than the pseudo comfort he was showing. There was a secret, ultimate expression of every emotion he wouldn’t let himself show. But they hadn’t made that gesture in many years. He wasn’t sure their relationship was strong enough anymore, he didn’t know if he could.

Spock followed Lieutenant Uhura into the turbo lift, his arms clasped behind his back.  The doors closed and the lift whirred to life.

Their eyes met for a long moment before Uhura tapped on the consol and the lift halted. She moved in front of him, his dark eyes following her, deep and expressive.

His hands were shaky, but he reached for her anyway.

‘You’re shivering.’ Uhura noted, clasping his hand between both of hers.

‘The after-effects of a deep healing trance.’ Spock answered the unspoken question. ‘I will be fine.’

She brought his hand up to her face, and he slid his long fingers to the nape of her neck, thumb brushing across her cheek.

‘I was so worried.’ she admitted, leaning into his touch and stepping closer. ‘I was listening into the communications, and when the reports came through, about Vulcan, and that you were unresponsive…’

Spock’s other arm wrapped around her waist, resting his hand on the small of her back. Supporting her maintained the illusion that he was whole, that he wasn’t falling apart into a thousand pieces at the loss of his home. Uhura leant up to him, pressing soft kisses against his lips and along his jaw. Spock’s hold on her tightened as she embraced him and he kissed the base of her slender neck.

‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ She whispered into his shoulder.

Her words did little to lessen the anxiety he felt, but her scent was familiar, comforting. He couldn’t process the idea that his home was gone, consumed. It was too immense, impossible. He had to narrow his focus back to the present.

‘What do you need?’ Uhura’s fingers carded through the short hair at the base of his skull. She pulled back to watch his face carefully. ‘What do you need? Tell me.’

‘I need-’ Spock hesitated, grasping for the emotional control he required for this situation. After a long moment of calming his mind and evening his breathing, he realised he had yet to answer Uhura. ‘I need my family to be safe.’

He hadn’t made her aware of the entirety of that statement, of exactly who his family was, but the admission brought him comfort.

‘They’ll be safe.’ Uhura said with absolute confidence.

They shared one last soft kiss, Spock’s head moving to recapture her lips as Uhura broke away.

The turbo lift hummed to life again and they continued towards the bridge.

 

* * *

 

 After Spock left Medical Bay with Uhura, McCoy waited anxiously for Jim to react, to break down in tears or punch the wall with his already bruised fist, anything. But he didn’t. Jim’s gaze shifted from the floor to the unconscious form of his mother, but he did nothing more.

‘Jim…’ McCoy started.

His posture straightened, his face blank and emotionless. He never looked more like his adoptive brother. He quickly moved to the other end of the infirmary and grabbed a fresh black shirt.

‘Jim, stop, goddamn it.’ McCoy called, jogging to keep up with him. Jim didn’t so much as glance at him while he stripped off the surgery-ripped and blood-stained shirt.

‘Jim, look at me. What are you doing?’ McCoy demanded.

‘I’m going to the Bridge; Spock needs all the help he can get right now.’ Jim explained quickly.

‘Jim.’ McCoy said, and his tone finally made the other man pause. ‘I know I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.’

‘Yeah, you can’t.’ Jim said simply.

‘But you’ve lost so much, and you haven’t even reacted.’ McCoy continued. ‘I can’t let you go out into a high pressure environment.’

‘So come with me.’ Jim shrugged.

‘You could lose control.’

Jim threw his head back and laughed; the first honest, albeit hysterical, reaction he’d shown since he awoke.

‘I was raised by freaking _Vulcan’s_ , man,’ he said loudly, with no regard to Sarek standing mere meters from him, ‘the goddamned kings of emotional repression. I’ll deal with this when I’ve got the time, but right now, I have better things to do.’

He tugged the black undershirt over his head as he walked towards the turbo-lift.

‘You coming?’ he called over his shoulder.

‘That can’t be healthy, kid.’ McCoy muttered to his friend’s retreating form for a moment. He informed Nurse Chapel of where he was going and made one last check of Amanda’s vitals before he left, Sarek’s shadow a constant presence while he worked.

He got the feeling that a lot was depending on her survival.

 

* * *

 

_The moment the front door hissed open, Jim jumped to his feet, tossing the PADD behind him on the couch._

_‘So, how’d it go?’ Jim asked eagerly._

_Spock didn’t answer, he walked briskly down the hallway and tugged off the gray sweater._

_‘Did you get into the Academy?’ Jim asked, following after him. At Spock’s tense shoulders, he guessed the answer. ‘That bad, huh? Those bastards, you worked twice as hard as anyone else, you deserve-’_

_‘On the contrary,’ Spock said, his voice as stressed as his muscles, ‘I was accepted into the Vulcan Science Academy.’_

_‘Spock, that’s great!’ Jim exclaimed and thumped him on the shoulder. ‘I knew you’d do it, I knew it!’_

_They had arrived at Spock’s bedroom, connected to Jim’s by a shared bathroom. Jim leant casually against the doorframe, grinning proudly at his brother._

_‘You’re not so excited.’ Jim observed warily._

_Spock’s hands tightened in the bundle of gray wool. He paced the length of the room and grabbed a large suitcase from the closet. He threw it onto the bed and shoved the sweater inside._

_‘Spock…’ Jim said slowly._

_‘I said no.’ Spock answered._

_Jim straightened and stared at Spock in disbelief._

_‘You what?’_

_‘They offered me entry and I declined.’_

_‘You told them to shove it.’ Jim translated._

_‘Indeed.’ Spock said. He walked over to the closet and began pulling out items of clothing._

_‘Why?’ Jim demanded. ‘The Academy was your whole future on a plate. You’ve been talking about that place since we were kids.’_

_Spock’s jaw tightened. ‘They called you a disadvantage.’ He practically spat the last word. ‘They talked about me like I was a liability.’_

_‘So?’ Jim brushed it off. ‘We’ve been called worse.’_

_Spock continued moving around his bedroom, throwing everything he could into the open luggage._

_‘I cannot work for people who consider me a disgrace. I can’t stay here any longer.’_

_Jim frowned, realisation starting to sink in. ‘And now, what are you doing?’_

_‘I can’t…’ Spock was strangely stuck for words, the minute frown speaking volumes. ‘I can’t stay here any longer.’_

_‘You’re leaving?’ Jim exclaimed._

_‘I was accepted into Starfleet Academy, on Earth.’ Spock said quietly._

_‘You’re going to Starfleet?’ Jim roared._

_Spock flinched at the outburst and hunched his shoulders in guilt._

_‘It was the best option given my unique physiology and aspirations.’ Spock murmured._

_‘Bullshit!’ Jim started forward, eyes flaring with pain and anger. ‘Starfleet is the reason I don’t have my parents, my family is_ dead _because of them. I’m not letting them take you too.’_

_Spock’s eyes stayed firmly on the floor and Jim gestured wildly as he shouted._

_‘Those bastards have taken enough from me. Starfleet’s a death trap, Spock. Don’t do this, don’t get yourself killed. Don’t leave.’_

_The unspoken words were impossibly heavy in the air between them._

Don’t leave me.

_‘I have nowhere else to go.’ Spock’s hands shook with the emotion behind his words._

_‘Say here.’ Jim suggested desperately. ‘Just for a few years. Then I’ll be finished school, we –we can get off this rock, find our own ship. Travel the universe_ our _way. Just… stay here.’_

 _‘I_ can’t _.’  Spock forced out, his eyes finally rising from the floor to meet his brother’s intense gaze. ‘I cannot stay on a planet where I am treated like a disgrace. I am leaving Vulcan.’_

_Jim stared at him for a moment, a strange expression crossing his usually open face._

_‘I’m coming with you.’ Jim decided._

_While Spock protested, Jim opened the doorway to their shared bathroom and walked through to his own bedroom._

_‘You are not.’ Spock said forcefully._

_‘I am. You won’t survive ten minutes on Earth.’ Jim said as he began grabbing the essential items. ‘You need an illogical human to keep you grounded.’_

_‘Then I will acquire one when I arrive.’ Spock snapped._

_Jim stared at him, unable to believe it._

_‘I will not allow you to accompany me.’ Spock said._

_Jim huffed a forced laugh. ‘You might not have a choice.’ He pointed out._

_‘Neither will you. I will not hesitate to retrain you.’_

_Jim looked over at him, taking in his tensed stance. Years of play fighting, self-defence classes and sheer necessity taught him that position was only two sharp movements away from a nerve pinch._

_‘Holy crap, you’re serious.’ Jim realised softly, reality setting in._

_‘This is something I must do by myself and I will not allow you to throw away your future and education to follow me.’ Spock said evenly._

_‘What about your future? Your education?’ Jim challenged. ‘It’s okay for you to ruin yours?’_

_‘Stay in school, Jim.’ Spock instructed, retreating into his own bedroom._

_Jim followed, partly incredulous, partly furious._

_‘So you’re going to leave me alone on Vulcan? No one but you gets me here.’_

_‘Stay in school.’ Spock repeated._

_By then, his bags were packed with all the essentials. His room was hauntingly strangely sparse without the small objects that made it his. All that was left were two model star systems hanging from the ceiling, showing the orbit of Earth and Vulcan around their respective stars. The two brothers had lain on the floor of his bedroom, staring at the two planets rotating for hours._

_Spock snapped his fingers and pressed his left hand into his right side, just under his arm, where the Vulcan’s heart was located._

_It was the first half of the most important hand gesture they had created for their secret language. When he would touch the hand to the left side of Jim’s chest, the meaning became evident, an intense gesture of anything from sorrow to sympathy to joy._

My heart to your heart.

_Spock stretched his hand out towards Jim, eyes pleading with him to understand the emotion he would never let himself show._

_Jim knew what his brother was doing and pushed his hand away forcefully, stepping back and crossing his arms across his chest._

_‘You walk out that door,’ Jim said, voice even and cold, ‘you don’t come back.’_

_Spock hesitated for the briefest moment, but then closed his luggage and the door hissed shut behind him._

 

* * *

 

Jim walked confidently onto the Bridge, nodding acknowledgement to both Spock and Sulu. Spock stood from the Captain’s chair, hands clasped behind his back and keeping a distance between them. He knew what he had to do.

‘You will not forgive me for this.’ Spock muttered, speaking to his brother even though he couldn’t hear him. ‘But I am sorry.’

 

 


End file.
